I can already see that I’ve titled this wrong. It should have been Return to “Something Almost Resembling Civilization.” But anyway, my friends, I did it. I rejoined the workforce, which requires me to get out there a few days a week. I’m sure most normal people have been out and about over the last couple of months, either grocery shopping or procuring other various necessities. Alas, I have never claimed to be normal. Besides running, walking or hiking in the woods, I have steadfastly remained on our own premises while my husband has been out fighting the wild and doing the hunting and gathering. I mean, grocery shopping. Also, there’s this cool thing called the internet where you can literally purchase anything that your heart desires while sitting on the deck with a margarita. Or is that just me? My husband would return from work or foraging for food and booze, and I would pepper him with questions about what it was like out there in the world. His reply was always the same, “So many stupid people.” For the record, that’s his typical response even when there isn’t a pandemic and also one of the reasons I married him. Hating everyone together is great for relationships.
We should start at the prep process. Men can probably stop reading right now and pick it back up closer to the end. You’re welcome. I was lucky enough to have a decent heads-up from my company in regards to my return date. I booked a hair appointment from my laptop before I was even off the phone with my boss. My gray roots were almost down to my ears and looking like I just escaped from prison does not a great first impression make. Getting ready was a disaster. I didn’t know where all my stuff was, I forgot what to do with makeup and I burned myself four times with my flatiron. After a bit of a struggle, I looked like a human being again. I wish I could tell you that my pants still fit, but I was too scared to find out, so I just wore a dress. I didn’t want my newly acquired fat ass to ruin my day. Luckily, the weather was kind enough to comply with my vanity. Although, my outfit meant that I had to shave my legs, which I miraculously managed without having to go to the emergency room. Success!
Now, as someone who has not gone anywhere, I just have to say, holy hell, are we in the fucking Twilight Zone? Looking back, I suppose I should have immersed myself in the outside world every now and then so that it wouldn’t be such a shock to the system when I finally did. I was wholly unprepared for what I saw. What I expected was mostly normalcy, but with people wearing masks. What I in fact discovered, is that there are three camps of people right now. In the first, we have the super nervous Nellies. These folks are not only wearing masks, but gloves as well. I even saw someone with those hospital covers on their shoes. They use hand sanitizer, over their gloves, after everything they touch and have a separate cloth that they pull from their handbag to open a door with. Also, they skitter away if you get too close and insist on yelling at you from not six feet, but at least ten feet away, then proceed to get upset when you can’t hear them. Why are you people even out? Did I mention that you can order what you need from your deck with a margarita? In the second group, we have the mostly normal people. They are just out to get what they need and go home. They are wearing a mask and trying to social distance, but not freaking out about every little thing. These are the best ones, but unfortunately, the reasonable people are few and far between. Lastly, there are the assholes. People that just do not give a fuck about anyone but themselves. They have just decided that social distancing no longer interests them and it’s everyone else that is being crazy. Sheep, or whatever other derogatory term they like to use for people who care about other human beings. They are supremely inconvenienced by putting on a mask and are acting like this whole thing is one giant vacation, out joy riding and walking around stores for fun. I spoke to one lady today that was so happy more stores were opening up because she was tired of walking around Walmart. I must have had confusion in my eyes (she couldn’t see the rest of face, thankfully), because she went on to explain that she got so stir-crazy at home that she would go to Walmart just for something to do. I’m sorry, what?? Has everyone lost their collective minds? I avoid going to Walmart on a normal basis, let alone when there are hundreds of people all crammed in a building during a worldwide health crisis. No, just no. I’m all set. Remember, deck? Margaritas?
My friends, it is crazy out there. It was good to get out, but the state of the human race is worrisome. The state of my waistline is also worrisome. It’s all just so bananas. I hope that, eventually, we will all get to live in a land where we don’t have to wear masks to leave the house, but keep in mind that it’s a small price to pay to help protect your fellow humans. Remember, as we start to open up more things, you may only come across a few people a day, but those brave souls that work in stores are dealing with hundreds of individuals on a daily basis. Stop having temper tantrums like a toddler because you are mildly inconvenienced by new policies put into place to protect everyone. Just be nice to them and wear the fucking mask.
Let's Be Dramatic 