I admit it, I am guilty of the worst infraction known to man of exercisers everywhere; I have posted my Apple Watch run stats on social media. Ew, I know. One of those. I don’t do it often and I couldn’t even tell you what possessed me to be so particularly cringe-worthy on those few occasions. Why does anyone do it? My hope is that it’s to encourage and inspire others to get out there and get that heart pumping, basking in the rush of endorphins and accomplishment. But, alas, this tactic is sure to backfire on your good intentions. You can’t see them, but your workouts are being met with all of the eye rolls. All of them. Don’t get me wrong, we are proud of you, but nope, not gonna happen. Typically, I’m reading your post while eating cold pizza over the sink after the kids go to bed anyway, so it’s too late for me. Save yourself.
I classify myself as a runner. Always have been as far back as I can remember. It all started in junior high when, as a basketball player (albeit not a very good one), I was encouraged to join the cross-country team in the fall so that, when basketball season rolled around, I would be in better shape and there would be less huffing and puffing up an down the court. Looking back, I think I should have been insulted, but whatever. Although I was an absolute disaster at first, the more I did it, the further and faster I could run. That’s just common sense combined with the workings of the human body, I suppose. But, finally! Something I could do; it required literally zero hand-eye coordination, which was something that was not exactly my specialty anyway. Basketball, softball, volleyball, you name it, I tried it all. I did not discriminate, I equally sucked at all of them, which absolutely no one was expecting since my older brother was one of the school basketball stars. Oh well, can’t win them all. Or any of them. Running though, running was my thing.
So now I find myself, at forty years old, stuck at home for weeks on end and eating everything that’s not nailed down and even some that is (anyone seen my hammer?). Running has become not only a way of making sure I don’t need an entirely new wardrobe upon returning to work, but also in keeping my sanity. I am with these children every second of the day, helping them with school, feeding them every five minutes and playing baseball in the backyard. I need just a few minutes to myself before I lose my ever-loving shit, so I go for a run. I have to run super early in the morning before my husband leaves for work, but it is a small price to pay for an hour of freedom. While I am a music lover of all genres, and I particularly love blaring country, which is sure to get my husband to leave the room, I have taken to listening to audio books on my morning runs. If I get really into the story, I can almost forget about how much my entire body hurts. Yeah, running at forty is not as easy as running at twenty.
Since my runner friends and I often commiserate about super annoying shit that other people do when we’re out running, I thought I would fill non-runners in so that maybe you could just fucking stop it. In fact, I saw a post not too long ago where some dude was lamenting how he didn’t enjoy going for walks during the pandemic because he had to be super vigilant about his surroundings and staying away from others. Really? You don’t fucking say? Try being a woman and a runner or walker. Every time we go out, pandemic or not, we are constantly looking over our shoulders, in the bushes and at passing cars for danger. If you drive by me in a van, so help me, there will be a hole the exact shape of my body in the side of the closest building, Wile E. Coyote style. We feel real bad for you, bruh. So, for the love of all that is holy, when you are driving by a runner, stop slowing down. We know you want to look at the freakshow jogging on the side of the road, either just for kicks or to see if you know us, but just stop. It’s scares the crap out of us. Maintain your speed and keep on trucking. Do not yell at us or whistle. We can’t hear you anyway, can’t you see our goddamn headphones? If you’re a guy and you are out walking or running as well, would it kill you to head to the other side of the road, rather than forcing us to do it? From me to you, it looks a lot less creepy on your part if you simply move your ass out of our way so we can pass you, comfortable in the knowledge that you are not a threat. Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.
In all seriousness, I hope everyone has found an activity in this health crisis that brings them just a little bit of serenity. You’re all amazing for being able to keep up with your fitness among the myriad of other things we’re dealing with right now, but I think I can speak for a lot of us when I say that we are looking at your six pack while eating peanut butter cup ice cream straight out of the container in our sweatpants. We wish you well, though.
Let's Be Dramatic 